Making Friends With The Lonely Monster.
(Don’t let him gobble you up!)
We have been forced into an unwelcome isolation that is now proving to be challenging for many, even the most adept meditators. We are captive in our homes. Some of us are happily cohabitating. Others are solo. Many are living under difficult conditions with spouses or relatives or roommates from whom we would rather flee than share quarantine meals and beds with.
Whatever our situation may be, one thing is true for so many of us: We're feeling pangs of unbearable loneliness. This is part of being human. The Lonely Monster will inevitably visit us throughout our lives. He will want to come into our homes and be a part of our days. It is our nature to try and find ways to avoid him, to stay distracted and busy in order to not feel the loneliness he brings. However, if we open the door, willingly, we will find he has much more to offer us beyond his dark and penetrable loom.
I, like so many of us, am on my fourth week of sheltering in place. Other than to walk my pooches and to check to see if I am still a part of planet earth, I have been staying indoors, encased by the four walls of my apartment. My neighborhood is unrecognizable in many ways. Manhattan? Where did it go? So much is visibly different as we all stay indoors. But in the changes, there is so much good to welcome: Traffic is now a distant memory. We can actually hear the birds sing their beautiful songs. Where trash cans once overflowed and litter laced the sidewalks, we now see a lone blue latex glove and an occasional medical mask scattered onto the sidewalk. Nature is flawlessly audible and visible. Gratitude is in order.
Perhaps we notice our surroundings now because there are fewer distractions. I struggle to remember my routine prior to this new life-violator, COVID-19. When I see scenes of interactions with friends and loved ones kissing, hugging, touching anything on my streaming shows or past photographs, I cringe at the visuals. My internal warning sign goes off inside my mind and heart and I feel compelled to yell, “STOP! Don’t do that!”
When my sons delivered food to me last weekend, they looked like overgrown little boys playing bandits, wearing their colorful masks made out of handkerchiefs. It felt so unnatural and strange not to reach out and embrace them. The visit and conversation was strained and brief. We paused uncomfortably and glanced hesitatingly at our matching blue latex gloves. We managed a few awkward laughs and motioned virtual hugs and kisses good-bye. We are not used to talking through fabric covering our mouths. There are new rules for this way of socially conducting ourselves and we are still getting used to them.
I didn’t begin to feel The Lonely Monster until yesterday. Until then, he hadn't yet creeped in and caused me to busy my mind and toss him out the window. Toss him out of my mind. Yes! The Lonely Monster comes to all of us, and we find ways—sometimes so inventive—to keep him at bay. There are many forms of trying to escape The Lonely Monster. Some of which include:
Workaholism
Gaming
Shopping
Sex
Food
Technology
Social Media
Unfocused conversations
Oversleeping
Rationalizations
The list is endless. We are often too busy to recognize whether we are lonely, sad, unsettled, depressed, compromised, abused, happy, dejected, in love, hungry, or even full. This current crisis is asking us to not get distracted. Uninvited isolation likens itself to a straitjacket we resist against, knowing well we are not going to free ourselves from it. Yet, we still struggle inside its confinement like a screaming toddler throwing a tantrum. When we accept (and that is the trick) any situation for what it is we find a freedom that we did not expect to find. This is the gift of surrender. We hear about it. We read about it. We attempt to give in to it with the help of yoga or other practices. And yet, how many of us make friends with the surrendering to loneliness?
I actually love being alone and willingly cloistering myself, most of the time. I find it beneficial to be still and welcome in that juicy spiritual data that comes so freely when one allows themselves to quiet their minds. When the mind is quiet (or quiet enough) the stuff from the ethers is honest and true, and it flows freely. The information that comes in is not always what we want to hear, but nonetheless the information is pure and filled with impactful insight. Deep in the caverns of our hearts and mind there we can discover all that is true. And what is more beautiful than the truth? The Lonely Monster will reveal himself with stories and possibilities, and an invitation to make friends with him. He will colorfully and imaginatively show us our fears. In facing him and our fears, we will find that we are bigger than him and all that scares us. The fear. The loneliness. The sadness. It will pass.
So what to do to not have The Lonely Monster devour your heart and mind? How does one navigate the storm of isolation, especially when it is not of our own choosing? How can we find peace and love during unbearable loneliness? Is it even possible? The answer is unequivocally yes! This is the perfect time to climb into our imagination and pretend like children do, whenever they are scared or feel unsafe or sad. Inside you exists a little you. The child inside of you will help you survive the storm of loneliness. Your inner child's imagination knows no rules or limitations. You do not need anything physical, except, perhaps, your personal art supplies. Your imagination has all the ingredients and equipment it needs at the ready. All you have to do is sit back, with your eyes open or closed and begin creating the vision you want for your life.
You are your best friend, your hero. Get to know him or her when the Lonely Monster comes a knocking on your door. Invite him in, show him who you are, and how brave you are. Offer him a comfy seat and a spot of hot tea and then ask him confidently, “so what do you want me to see today? What must I feel in order to be free from you now?” Can you find the wisdom in loneliness and what is this loneliness trying to teach you? Do not be afraid to feel it all deeply. If you are sad, depressed, unmotivated, angry, try to think about what you are being asked by your higher self to see and feel.
There is beauty in loneliness. There is beauty in sadness. Find out what that beauty is. Find the truth in what is making you sad and you will see your freedom. When we find the jewel in our emotions, which is knowing how we feel, therein lies the opportunity. Seize it. Embrace it and allow in the depths of what your feelings want you to see so you can benefit from the lesson.
Remember:
There is no shame in loneliness.
There is no shame in depression.
There is no shame in feelings or thoughts.
There is no shame…period.
Routine is key, especially during this time of quarantine. Here are some suggestions that will help change a lonely perspective:
Go to bed at the same time so your circadian rhythms stay consistent.
As soon as you get up in the morning, sit quietly for about 20-30 minutes with a cup of balancing warm lemon water and contemplate your day with positive thoughts.
Light a candle and make a wish in the present tense. Say, “thank You for making my wish come true!”
Give thanks for the new day and its possibilities.
Eat healthy food and allow yourself some comfort food as well.
Journal. Allow your thoughts to flow and then reflect on them at the end of the day and see if you were able to change your perspective.
Place your intentions for how you want to feel for the day first thing in the morning.
Get outside if you can and walk or some form of exercise
Practice affirmations throughout the day. They do not need to be elaborate or lengthy: I am happy. I am healthy. I am safe. I am filled with possibilities. I am strong. I am loved. I am free. (Get creative and make your own!)
Affirmations are key factors in changing how we feel about our moods, ourselves, and our lives. When repeated over a period of time, we begin to feel and believe them. They become true. Not every day will be a Happily Ever After but with daily practice and commitment, we will begin to notice that the plot of our lives can be happier. We can actually be happier when we are able to change our perspective. If we cannot do this on our own, we can turn again to our imagination and become a champion of our story.
We can also invite in real life characters that are our friends, therapists, coaches, and family. We must all be there to support one another. Know who your support tribe is. Know who you trust and ask for them to just listen. This act of reaching out alone is heroic. When we reach out to others, share our stories of loneliness, sadness, loss, and love, we realize that all of these emotions and feelings are what connect us as human beings. With openness, connectedness, authentic compassion and empathy, we are on our way to healing ourselves, building healthier relationships, communities, and world.
So climb into that amazing imagination of yours, open up your internal paint box, pull out your sword, lasso the dragons and villains in your personal fairy tale, and there you will find your Holy Grail and a happy ending that will pave the path for new beginnings. The Lonely Monster will disappear into the ethers as if he was never there.