What’s Love Got To Do With It?



The only thing

That authentically

Settles the




It is the only experience

That can stop Time

(Or bring us back to it).

This post is dedicated to the one and only,  Tina Turner, whose life is an inspiration for everyone.  While I have always loved her work and what she stood for and believed in, hearing her talk about her life on Oprah’s show recently, I wondered how anyone could not help but to (not)feel her struggle, her pain, her triumphs—her sheer and utter exhaustion and most importantly:  her joy (for life).

She rallied every day. She performed for decades.  The pulse of life ran through her as if a force breathed into her from some distant heaven that she held The Key to!  This is evident to anyone who hears her sing, speak or watch her perform!

I believe she was hardwired to survive.  (Just.like.me.) (Just.like.you) She had that key to life and heaven. It was in her DNA—(just.like.me) (Just.like.you) to live against all odds and in spite of the abuse she endured.  What is it in some of us that makes us survive and what separates us from the others who don’t “make it out alive”?

A lot of negative talk is circulating around the globe about abusive, disrespectful and uncaring men.  (For a long time now.)  Unfortunately I have know many men who are this way. They wear clever and sometimes alluring masks at work and then a different more seductive  mask at home.  They carefully choose which kind or cruel facade they well expose to the women in their life...

I have heard, “she deserved it.”  I have heard, “teach her a lesson.” I have heard, “what is abuse anyway?” Who are these men?  They are our fathers, our brothers, our husbands, our lovers, our neighbors, our sons, our employers, our ministers, our presidents—even the very ‘gods’ we blindly worship. (And sometimes these very men are ruled by the very women who are even worse than they are...)

I know a number of men whom have had the same abusive treatment from women!  But the man who is abused does not yet have a large enough platform to have his voice heard, perhaps because the abuse spectrum has been like a worldwide pendulum tilted on the side of hurting women for too long.

“Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken” She sings (We all do!) I think Ms. Tina is the embodiment of that heart cracked open over and over and over again—pouring fourth all that magnificent love from which she holds this powerful and heavenly key to—for all of us to benefit from!


So I applaud all the men and women out there and around the world who have endured unthinkable crimes to their heart, mind and body—may we all learn from your trauma that it is not OK to hurt another.  It is not OK to look the other way.  It is not OK to “justify” mistreating anyone.  (It is not OK to not care.)

The Dignity of Chocolate vs. Hallway Sex...

(and the ecstasy of having both with Honest Love) I had a conversation with a gentleman recently about the complexities of marriage and the difference between men and women with regard to sex.  He insisted that sex and the desire for sex for a man is more a physical need and functioning of the body than anything emotionally binding.  I have heard this story from many men over the years and I wonder if they think that this belief suggests that they are more virile and in some way keeps women submissive.  Is this theory a way for these men to fantasize that they are the stronger sex or the more sexual sex?  Might I suggest that men with this mentality are sorely mistaken.  With this biased perspective these men just sound silly and naïve.  Sometimes couples are simply mismatched.  When relationships experience the Tired Yawn Syndrome, this might be a lack of interest and not a case of an ailing or tired libido.  When theories imply that the libido kind of falls asleep after a certain age, how are the experts so sure? Libidos thrive when the right heart and mind of two individuals happily and effortlessly unite—no matter their age.

People have sex for a variety of reasons and needs.  Certainly there are individuals with medical issues, but there are also very healthy men and women out there who are having sex with partners out of “obligation”, habit or some other questionable arrangement, whether their libido is active or passive.  (I wonder what Joel Olsteen would think about passive or obligatory sex...  I imagine his adorable, southern drawl as he looks into the camera and his audience, and says,  “I’ll let God be the judge of that...” And his finger would point towards the cameras as he tilts his head slightly in the direction of his millions of admirers, his beautiful blue/green eyes twinkling as the audience clamors for more of his wise words, holding up their bibles, praising the lord for salvation!)

For me, that would be a fair answer, but why judge at all?  Maybe God doesn’t care what we do with our bodies or whom we have sex with!   For me, this inquiry about sex and chocolate is merely observation—a contemplation about what is important to us as human beings, i.e. chocolate, Hallways Sex or something more?

The gentleman tirelessly attempted to convey to me that sex is more of a need for men than women. (I remained poised and quiet and nodded my scalding head as my imagination took reign and my mind watched him toss an entire burial ground over his head as his language grew more inaudible, until his face and words were completely blurred and covered in dirt.)   He implied that men can have sex without any attachment, and that they were more emotional over a golf match.  As he continued to bury himself further, he said, “You know, even if you hate your partner, you can still have Hallway Sex with them.”  At that point I asked him if he needed any assistance in placing his remains in the grave he had no problem digging on his own.  Before burying himself completely,  I curiously asked, “Hallway Sex?”  I inquired as to what he meant, although it doesn’t take a genius to imagine the visuals… He continued to explain how you can meet your partner/housemate midway in the hallway and even though you can’t stand each other you can still have sex with them in the corridor and then go your separate way. (I suggested that that might be yet another form of prostitution but that I would have to contemplate the subject matter further and get back to him...) I then asked how you would divide assets in a divorce with a relationship that sounded more like a compromising of souls and body parts as compensation—and who was the pimp in this arrangement?

*     *     *     *     *

The day closed with my single parent mind reeling about sex, love and My Happy Ending!  While lying in bed, contemplating my Aloneness, I imagined what life would be like with chocolate and the right (!) Someone!  Before turning out my lights I looked to my left and glanced to my right and thought:  No man there, at least, not a touchable one!  A man.  Hmmmm.  If there could be a man to my right or to my left, he would have to be a Some One Special.  He would have to be someone I would want to have wild, passionate, Hallway Sex with and then still want to share a meal with afterwords!  He would have to be someone that I could stand listening to and know that he could stand listening to me—effortlessly. If I am ever to share-any-side-of –my- bed- again with a man, he will have to be funny, cuz I sure could use a good, long, laugh to sustain me for the rest of my life!

(Remember: laughing is as effortless as love!)

And what if there shall be no man to my right or to my left to share my bed with again some day?  Well then, a nice, yummy piece of dark of chocolate would most definitely suffice.  Chocolate makes most of us smile, even if no one sees us.  Chocolate makes us feel loved, even if it is the wrong kind of love!  Depending on the piece of chocolate, quality and texture, if eaten properly, the savoring of a piece of chocolate lasts longer than most orgasms. (Something to consider!) Chocolate, when respected can actually heighten our awareness and experience of life!  When I realized that my “housemate” did not love me, and that love and intimacy needed to partner with the sexual act, having “hallway sex” was not an option worth considering for me, yet chocolate was!  Where would the dignity be in Hallway Sex without love?  If we are in loveless relationships, how, as adults do we compromise our bodies and souls so recklessly? Yes, we can rationalize our sexual encounters as well as all of our life experiences.  I wonder though:  If we are this unconscious and careless with our bodies, where is our integrity?  How can we be concerned with what our children are doing if we are doing the same? Aren’t we consciously and subconsciously teaching them the lessons with our actions? Why not pause before we have sex the next time with the Wrong Some One and just go and grab a nice piece of dark chocolate, instead of a loveless, tasteless, sexual encounter. Chocolate is dignified and so sensual. And with chocolate there is always a sense of oneness and love—for me anyway.

*     *     *     *     *     *

Sex without intimacy seems to be the norm today.  Intimacy is scary—there can be no hiding when you are intimate with someone and sex without intimacy is easier, except when it is over. (When it is over, we all know how the Demons surface.) Have we, as a society forgotten how to communicate and feel and differentiate between what is real and honest passion for someone, over what is just a primitive self-depreciating act?  What does sex have to do with intimacy anyway?  Sex is yet another habit and one of countless modern-day addictions and function of the body, but when you have sex with love? Ah, now, that is the soul bear naked--not the body. Soulful sex is intimacy.

*     *    *     *     *

So how do we not lose interest in the internal aspects of the relationships that are supposed to sustain us throughout our lives? The internal—the soul-loving aspects of any marriage or significant relationship must be present before any physical acts take place.  If it is not, perhaps this lacking soulful presence is what leads to many Hallway Sex partnerships!

Perhaps many of us shut down our emotional, spiritual and sexual worlds at some point between childhood and grown-up-hood.  We close the door to that beautiful world we call Our Selves, where intimacy and integrity originate.  We lose sight of who we are when we are still too young to know which doors we are closing.  If this is so, it is obvious why so many people cling to relationships that are not internally sustainable; relationships that remain on the outside, sexually as well as spiritually.  It seems that the external world is the only world that many rely on.  It is yet another form of grazing. We graze the spirit and we graze the body of another, when we have soul-less sex, but do we ever touch the soul of another, let alone our own?

If we pay attention and pause before our next senseless, sexual encounter, we might notice that there is an open door in all of our lives; a sustainable door that allows us to pass through and change the course of our lives.    Something happens to many of us when we reach a certain age.  An age of comfortable discomfort and we forget that that door to Our Life is still open.  Opportunities are missed and the door closes or goes unrecognized.  Sometimes we forget that we have choices.  We become numb to ourselves.   We function, but we do not feel and the slow pill of misery settles in the bellies of so many of us, thus leading to Hallway Sex and we forget that we can still find happiness if we just keep walking down the Corridor of Our Life, switch on the light and see, really take notice of which act we wish to take part in.  If there is no visible love waiting for us when we turn  the lights on, we can choose to keep on walking.  When we turn right and take the stairs, eventually we will find our way out into the world, where the opportunity for love and joy awaits us all.

*     *     *     *     *     *

Laughter and Honest Love, coupled with sex is effortless, and fills our bellies and our souls in ways that nothing else can—other than chocolate.  When we discover unconditional love, we are uncontrollably drawn to it.  Why?  Because Honest Love is our homing instinct.  Nothing makes more sense in this world than when we understand the direction of our way Home—every aspect of our life becomes clear and we never return to our former sate of not Knowing.  With this Knowing, often we find ourselves in love and having sex with the right Some One.

With this kind of love, we can have our cake (sex) and chocolate too!

So, when that Clock is about to strike 12 and that noon train is approaching around the bend; the tracks are laden with golden bricks pointing in a Direction and your life is asking you:  Decide, Decide, Decide...who are you going to listen to, your heart or your mind?  What will you do?  Tell the truth or lie? Have Hallway Sex—or chocolate? Or the ecstasy of having both with Honest Love!)

(only time will tell...and I will and I will and I will…get My Happy Ending, just you wait and see!) For all you chocolate lovers out there!  Try the below links for some romantic, chocolate  decadence! http://www.thechocolatenation.com. Try Alice’s Tea Cup for some of Tom and Sally’s Chocolate Body Paint for when you meet that Special Someone mid way in the corridor! http://alicesteacup.com/

April 13-April 19, 2009

childhood wounds i don't know why, but this week in between life, drives back and forth into the city and doing homework with my kids, i began to think about the quote from Sartre that always haunted and inspired me: "Childhood decides."

for the most part i think this is true.  if we are conscious of our wounds we try to heal them, but there are so many undercurrents to our wounds that unless one is so passionate about becoming whole and integrated, intellectually as well as spiritually, i don't how see healing can occur.

as creatures of habit and learned behaviors, i think we tend to unconsciously cling to things or people that might superficially comfort us or mask our wounds so they don't fully need addressing-- or more importantly, healing...

think about it: when you look at yourself, and the people you work with and in your personal world-- do you really think childhood wounds have been healed? Maybe they have been addressed, but when we feel vulnerable in the world or need a loving voice to listen to us-- hear us, those very Hurts from our babyhood somehow nastily find their way to the surface of our hearts.

they do for me, and when they do? I am immediately reminded of what love is and is not.  I am brought to Full Attention with my life and the choices I have made and I look at my babies in adult bodies and I see how utterly profound and important being a good, nurturing mother is.  I wish it mattered in our society and in our judicial systems more (but it doesn't).

the week was wonderful in that it was my birthday and i got to celebrate yet another year on this amazing planet of Wonder and Horror, with three of my favorite people--my children.  I love their minds, their thoughts and mostly their hearts...

later on, my daughter and i will watch a taped Ellen show. it makes my daughter and i laugh and reminds us what a living example of an authentic human being truly is:  someone who is not afraid to be who she is and to make herself vulnerable to the world--so much so, that we all cannot help but to identify a part of our Selves with her...